Rodie

man. i knew this was long coming, and i knew somewhere inside me that it was true...

i got an email today from niraj katz, my good friend stuart's wife. she was writing to let me know that stuart had passed away on February 6, 2007... it took a while for it to sink in. i had just decided to get up, shower, get dressed, brush my teeth, and get started with the day (mind you it was already late afternoon).. now i didn't want to do anything. i was just lying in bed, letting it sink in...

i decided showering was a good idea (cleansing after all, is always a good thing), so off i went, to cleanse by body and my mind of whatever... i couldn't help crying to myself, about loss, friendship, whatever... i just sat there in the shower for 10-15 minutes and let myself break down..

the shower was nice, the crying made me feel better, but the urge to do anything with the day was gone... so, i dressed, climbed into bed, and holed myself up for a while, hungry but not wanting to eat, just wanting to be alone for a while.

i watched a movie (strangers on a train), then listened to some flaming lips (my usual panacea for sadness), but of course my ipod died (batterywise) so i was in silence again... i started looking through the new itunes store to search for any new interesting music... found the decemberists (i had been meaning to listen to them) and decided to download their latest album... good stuff.

with all of this not wanting to do stuff going on, my friends (blaine erika j etc...) came over because they were going bowling/pooling and wanted me to get ready to leave... told them i wasn't coming, then finally when blaine asked why, i explained the situation and he let it be... exactly what i needed. so far, he's the only person i have told here in nz (i told my mom in an email earlier today)... i guess i will explain myself tomorrow, or whenever it feels right.

it's strange, i haven't been emotional like this for quite some time (in fact, i probably haven't cried in over a year)... it feels good to just let go and to feel sad/bad/lonely/vulnerable/etc. and to cry...

this is the first time a friend of mine has died... i've lost family members (grandpa, cousin, great uncle), family friends, but never my friend... it's a strange thing, and like i said above, i knew it would come eventually (after all, he was old and dying of emphysema...) and i had a dream that i found out about his death about 2 weeks ago... i guess i feel especially different with this loss because it is my loss (none of my friends knew him well if at all, my family had never met him).

i am alone in my grief (for now), but not alone in life. i have friends who can comfort me, be with me...

i miss stuart, i miss his stories, his craziness, smoking a bowl with him, his artwork... he is the coolest old man i have ever met and i makes me sad to think that i will never see him again... he lived a full life and did so many things and was always very generous.
man this sucks

i lie here thinking/feeling/crying/emoting...

goodbye stuart, you will be missed

well, i ran into kyle yesterday (not with a car, stephen). it was interesting. i hadn't spoken to him in like 9 months, and we didn't end well (not badly, just not well). and yesterday, we talked as if we had seen each other last week. like nothing strange had happened. hmm, i recall some bad shit, but, hey, in the end, i realized that our past doesn't really matter anymore. shit happened, but it doesn't affect anyone anymore. and i thought about it (the whole thing about forgiving (as opposed to punishing) him for what he's done to carolyn... i realized that forgiving him doesn't really matter either in the sense that i don't feel bad and neither does anyone else. it doesn't mean he's not fucked up for what he's doing (and that carolyn is just as fucked up as he is (maybe not as fucked, i dunno)) but it just doesn't matter anymore. i could see myself being friends with them in the future (maybe even if they are still together, but that would involve a lot of complaining and bitching and criticism on my part (not like that hasn't happened before))... who knows... what happens later is not decided (or maybe it is) but what happens happens....

well, i should probably get back to this fucking lecture.. (boring)..

b ye
rodie

well, if you didn't already know, amsterdam is a fucking amazing city. from the second we arrived in the city, it was absolutely beautiful and... fucking cold... this is our second full day in the city, and it just started snowing, rather harder than it was snowing in berlin. i don't have much time (i am at an internet terminal in the bulldog coffee shop and it have 250 seconds left). just wanted to put it out there that we are having an awesome time...
thanks for being there with me...
rodie

december 7/8
on wednesday (cali time) we got some awesome thai food, then headed to le airport (yes, le airport). we got on the plane (yes, the plane) and proceeded to fly out of san francisco (sfo) and toward london heathrow. at the airport (i mean le airport), cromptastic bought some absolut vanilla (duty free... yeah, fuck man, no tax) and we took it on the plane, broke i don't know how many federal laws (one, actually) and proceeded to get our buzz on just a little to make the flight that much better. we watched cinderella man with that guy and that girl, and then had some crappy dinner, listened to some music and took some chinese herbal sleeping pills to finally get some sleep. i also got the worst ever tea with milk after dinner. i woke up at some point i think and listened to some music, then the crappy breakfast came while matt was still asleep. we were getting close to london at this point, and i switched my watch over and put away all of my shit. we landed, went through immigration, got our shitz, went through customs, which was basically a door to london, no one watching, and proceeded to wait in line to purchase travelcards at the tube station in the airport (after a while of walking of course). when it was finally our turn, it took the guy long while to get our tickets (we each had to pay separately, jeff's card didn't work...) and the people behind us started getting pissed.. we couldn't help it but oh well, fuck them. then, we got on the tube, switched at a bunch of stations, switched trains a bunch of times and finally arrived in surrey quays (where we were going to stay with a friend of enzo's, whom we had never met). we found the place all right, and had our own room and key to the house. we rested for a bit, went to the shopping centre across the street and bought some sandwich stuff, ate, and then went to sleep around 8 pm... (the rest of the times will be local)
december 9
i woke up the next day around 6, feeling quite well rested. we decided to go to the national gallery that day, and wanted to get breakfast beforehand. initially, we walked around the city a bit, couldn't find the place we wanted to go to breakfast so just chose a place off of charing cross and ended up spending $40 for breakfast (england is fucking expensive)... we walked to the national gallery, went there for hours, and then we went to a pub and got some drinks. went to a tea shop to look for some tea, got some take-away vegan food (yep, take-away) and headed home.then we went home tired, finished off the vanilla vodka, and got to sleep... jeff and i woke up in the middle of the night and after a few hours decided to take some sleeping pills and .... we woke up late the next day
december 10
after getting up late, we finally decided to go to kew gardens (huge fucking royal botanical gardens west of london). we figured out that the gardens were in zone 4 (and our travelcards were only zones 1 and 2) so we had to take a bus part of the way there. after taking a wrong bus, we finally made it there an hour later around 2pm. the gardens close around 4:15, so we had a few hours to walk around... everything was beautiful and cold and sunny.... we walked for about 2 hours all around the place then left and walked to a pub in kew (the little town outside the gardens) around 5ish. we got a bunch of drinks here too, talked to a german guy named billy who lived in london for a few months for work (his company makes construction vehicles). we talked for a while, had a good time, and then left around 7ish to head back to the city to another pub called the two floors. there we met some americans (young people, which seemed promising) but then they quickly ignored us, so we finally left around 9ish, walked down regents st... then headed home. we got some food down the street from home (matt and i kebabs, jeffrex got some boiled pizza), and proceeded to go to sleep.
december 11
matt wanted to have the day alone at the tate modern, so jeff and i were going to hang out in the city alone for a while and then meet up with matt at an indian restaurant near angel station. i woke up quite late, so we got a late start. we headed downtown, realized we were hungry, so we wandered the streets looking for some place to eat. finally we found a little lebanese to get some relatively cheap kebab wraps. then we found a park (which i think was hyde park, but who really knows). we walked through it, and somehow found buckingham palace. st. james park was right next door, so we got some warm refreshments (after all it is winter and fucking cold. if i didn't say anything before, the temperature is in the 40's all day). after a while, we got cold, so we went to a tube station and decided to help slowly towards our meeting point with matt. for the past couple days jeff had been trying to procure some pot, so he would ask people around the tube. today, he asked a guy who recommended going to camden town to try and find something. so, we decided to go. we arrived, and almost immediately there were guys looking at us and jeff started talking to this guy and he walked with us ( all of these dudes were black and almost incomprehensible). finally, jeff agreed on 20 GBP an eighth and the guy told us to wait. he came back, and he and jeff exchanged shit and the guy left. it became immediately apparent that jeff had gotten ripped off (he probably got about a gram) anyways,, after the disappointment, we headed toward matt and actually met him on the tube on the way to the restaurant. couldn't find that restaurant either, so we went to some tai take-away buffet (all vegetarian), and ate food. we headed back home and got some vodka at the local off-licence store (which means they can sell alcohol but are not allowed to open it). got home, drank almost all of the bottle, then went for a walk and smoked a spliff with some of the stuff jeff got, went to a shady local bar and got a beer. it was really shady so we left, and as we were leaving, the guys in the bar said "goodnight ladies"... fucking blue-collar broom-factory workers... we got back home, relaxed for a bit. i didn't really want to go out because i was pretty fucked up at that point, and matt was done, but he forced me to take one last shot and head out with jeff. we went downtown, and in waterloo station, we saw this awesome musician playing a traditional african instrument. we were really drunk, and we stood there listening to a few of his songs for about 15 minutes. then, we found a bar near regents st., and i bought us a bunch of drinks. at about 10:30, when the bar closed, we headed out, walked up regents st., got on the tube at oxford circus, and got some very friendly directions from some man on the train.. jeff and i were sharing my ipod and we were tethered together by a cable. we were both totally rocking out on the tube at this point... and then finally arrived back at surrey quays around 11:30. jeff rolled another spliff, we smoked, and then went back into the house. sleep came upon us..
december 12
we all woke up late (matt after 14 hours of sleep). wanted to go to this market (borough market) so we left, couldn't find the market for a while, then saw it was mostly closed. went next door to southwark cathedral (pronounce suhhh-therk). a very nice lady gave us a description of the church, and then we started walking around the neighborhood near the thames. we crossed the river at the millenium bridge, passed st. paul's cathedral, found a pub where i had some mulled wine and matt and jeff had beer. we talked to the bartender who recommended a few places to go hang out. then, we stopped by a tesco, bought some vodka, bread, hummus... we walked down the street, sat down on the sidewalk, and proceeded to eat. it got pretty fucking cold, so we continued, found the sportsbar, went inside then left almost immediately afterwards because there was nowhere to sit. at somepoint, we wandered into this crazy little bookstore where the owner was amazingly knowledgeable about everything we talked to him about. he recommended a book for matt to read and we proceeded on.

just got back from central london, so fucking wasted... i can hardly write...........
i am so gone... thanks to matt that i went out and got more drunk... wooo
i had a great time with jeff out around piccadilly circus drinking a double rum and coke and then a single rum and coke. really fucking wasted. wow;l..... i can hardly write.. we tried to go to the local unlicenced store to byy some more booze but it was cllosed .... lucklily... some guy put us in then write direction onn the bakerloo line toward surre7 quays... or else who knows where we could hav3 gone... wow.. i am an 3l33t drunk... getting drunkk off of piccadilly circus and then walkin to a tube stationb and making it back home... amazinggg.... that is fucking ammmmm aaaaa zing.. pronounced amazing..

i can;t belive we made itm home..... we jus ]t = smpled spliff and saw a dead bird on the ground... it was a pigeon in think.. we\ should be going too l33ds i think on tuesday, to the country side.

well i can barely make an6tyhing out, so good nigh5

rodie

um, i don't know how to say this, but kira and i have a history. uncomfortable. somehow molestation got uncomfortably involved..
that's horrible.. that's really bad... but i guess i blocked it all out... i don't even remember kira from those fine days of my youth,.. i mean, she was 13 and i was 8
. come on

it really hard for me to picture carolyn anymore. i can't place her face anymore (her hair yes, but not the face..). i can also place two other physical parts of her.. : her belly curve and her butt... and that's it. it's really strange how things go... i learn and remember by seeing very well (partially photographic memory) but certain things just go (or were meant to go). i don't feel sad about forgetting, but i definitely feel pensive about my status... pensive is the right word to describe it. for some reason today, i grabbed some condoms from school (yay to free condoms). and for some reason, i felt weird and self-conscious (maybe not self-conscious, but like i shouldn't be grabbing them) about taking them... oh well, they're mine now. it can never hurt to have some around.
in other news, everything is swell (except that i have two.5 more weeks of school, and then i'm off. oh, and i turn 20 in about a week, which i don't really care about (nov. 27 if you didn't know). does anyone know why i love to use parentheses and ellipses? my free writing always include it...
well, not much more to say... work is becoming... kind of off-putting (at least in terms of policy and behavior of some management). i still like going to work, and as of next week, i won't have to put up with much of it... but still, it's not what it used to be.

and back on carolyn for a sec, i've been reminiscing, and i have realized that i don't miss the sex (that says nothing about missing sex in general). she is slowly fading out of my life, and although i still look out for her car when i am at school (if i am at school), things are becoming different.. i have so much going in my life and i think europe will be a truly defining part in my break into a new part of me, a new part of my life... well, that is it for now... i have been trying to talk to nicole all week because she needed to talk to me after the party... but it just hasn't happened yet.. so off i go to try
rodie

well, things have been going, well, i guess. school is flying by. i leave for europe in 4 weeks. i am really busy with school and work as always.

emotionally, i have been doing well, and the emotional (anxiety, uncertainty?) that i was feeling after i spoke with carolyn has gone away. unlike the other times when i reverted back to feeling bad/depressed/???, this time, the feelings just gradually drifted away, which i find refreshing and overall a good thing.

one thing that did bother me (i think bother is the word, although it could be concern or something else) was me questioning my friends and questioning some kind of trust just because carolyn said that one of the people that read my journals told her all of those things.... i guess it bothered because i shouldn't have even cared, shouldn't have been concerned, shouldn't have wondered whether one of the people i am close to and care about spoke to carolyn (even though i clearly knew it was a lie when she said it to me). but because i did care, because i continually thought about it, it just made it even more apparent that i have so far to go and so much more to let go... i am not saying that i don't understand why i did what i did. but i am saying it is unfair to my current friends to question them because of something carolyn said. carolyn and i are nothing anymore (and probably will remain nothing forever)... but hey, i still love and care about her, so what can i expect. anyways, things are good. i think about carolyn less (but those thoughts are still ever present, if that makes sense). i am doing well. i will be well...

thanks
rodrigo

If you read this, if your eyes are passing over this right now, even if we don't speak often, please post a comment with a memory of you and me. It can be anything you want- good or bad. When you're finished, post this little paragraph on your blog and be surprised (or mortified) about what people remember about you.
(got this from a good friend)
rodie

well, i had this dream this morning, and although i kept waking up because i knew i had some homework to do, it continued when i fell back asleep.
i don't know how i met this girl, (although i have a feeling part of her came from this girl i was helping yesterday at work). anyways, we were just lying in bed (after no sex). just lying there (i think it was in the computer room upstairs. i was holding on to her and we were talking, maybe kissing, playing a little (cuddly games, touchy games, things like that). then, i wanted to play a little more, so i tested the waters, to no luck at first, but then it was more fun, and we kinda chased each other around the bed. at some point, i lost sight of her face because her back was facing me. i pulled her around and was going to kiss her, but it wasn't the same girl anymore, it was carolyn, wearing a thing dark blue sexy-snappy dress that she often wore when she wanted to be comfortable. and boy was this a welcome surprise. thats where the dream ended, because the surprise and shock woke me up for good. but i don't know... definitely a strange dream, and it just makes sense, because i am not past carolyn, not in the least. but to be fair, i am not where i was before... i will write a little more today about how i have been recently, but i wanted to get this dream down so i wouldn't forget it.
rodie

well, i don't know how i am feeling. i feel kinda unhappy, especially coming home today, i didn't really want to do anything. i have plans for the evening (drinking with some people from work) but i am trying to get myself out of it because i don't feel like going anymore. i know i should because it will be really fun, but i dunno. i am confused about my feelings, but i know why i am feeling like this again. carolyn.

seeing her yesterday changed me. i don't know how, but i know why. i had a false sense of security, thinking that i was better, and i went into the lion's den so to speak, and i came out changed. things worked out well, but i feel different. the anxiety i felt before and after has kinda turned into this feeling i have now. i have been thinking about carolyn much more now... not wondering what she's up to or anything like that, but wondering how she i doing inside, and wondering how i am doing. it's strange feeling like this again (what a surprise, i don't like it). i can and will do fine for now. but i can't foresee what can get me out of this slump. i am definitely missing the closeness we had, and i think seeing her again personified the feeling i was having. before yesterday, i missed closeness but it wasn't necessarily being close to carolyn (emotionally, physically, sexually). now, i am missing the closeness of our friendship, the comfortable feeling i had when i was around her. i miss her a lot again, and it is making me kinda... (sad? i dunno really how i'm feeling). it felt really good actually getting my feelings through to carolyn and receiving an understanding from her, but now i think i have an emotional attachment to her again, and i have taken a step back. i am not upset at this... but again, i don't feel content like i did yesterday, or before yesterday. basically, i have rambled on for who knows how many words and i am back to the first thought i had... i just don't know
rodie

this is the first time i have decided to take the fortune from a fortune cookie to heart. i got this one today with my yummy chinese food:
let reality be reality

well, i am going to finish up the day now. after getting back from talking to carolyn, i read the email that she sent me (which i think i said was quite angry). i responded with the following email and then she replied back.

carolyn,
thanks for the email. it explains a lot about how you are feeling, and i do understand where you are coming from. it was nice to talk in person today, to see you. it brought back good memories from when we were together, and i like having those memories come back. i am glad we talked in person because this email is very angry and i think you expressed yourself better to me in person (although maybe you were holding back). i am sorry you feel i divulged too much information about you on my journal. i wrote it not to hurt you (obviously) but to help me. i can do nothing to effect any kind of change in your life (not that i am trying anymore), so i need to focus on me and helping myself. as a result, i wrote anything and everything that came to mind purposely ignoring any logical thoughts about whether i should be writing it or not. i did not write anything to put you in a bad light (because i would never want to do that) but i wrote stuff from the heart, and if you think it puts you in a bad light, it is something i cannot avoid. we are two different beings with two very different interpretations on life. i am so amazingly open now, and i don't feel i have any secrets now, and i feel great because of it. well, again, thanks for talking today, it was really nice to catch up a bit. i don't think occasions like this will happen much, if at all, and since you were such an important part of my life, it is always good to reminisce. you look great and i hope that you feel great as well. enjoy life and don't work too hard with anything (unless you want to). if i don't see you again, i wish you the best (and take care of that ipod :). if you have any computer problems, you can always stop by fashion island and get help. but like you said at the beginning of your email, we probably shouldn't talk. i think in the end what i wanted to come out of my original email was to let you know that i care, and that even if we aren't together as friends, lovers, whatever, i will always care about you and i will always love you.
good luck with everything and, like i said before, enjoy life and be happy :)
with much love,
rodrigo

this summarized my feelings very well and explained what i needed to explain that i didn't get to say in the conversation. and here is her reply:

Thank you for all your kind words. i was happy that i could explain things in person. it's always easier than email cuz on email you don't have emotion so it's easily misinterpreted. i enjoyed talking adn i'm glad that if we ever run into each other it won't be awkward, but two friends catching up. that's much nicer than an awkward hello and goodbye. i'm thrilled about how you're doing. i feel great about where i am in life. for right now i have things figured out. and i'm sure i'll be stopping by when my computer fails cuz i decided to throw that. thanks for caring,
love,
carolyn

this is what i have been trying to accomplish. this is how i have been trying to actually end things. to show her that i care but that i need to move on. but moving on does not mean i love her any less (and her moving on doesn't mean anything different either). she finally understood what i wanted to say and she actually accepted my feelings and responded with hers. wow. more closure (not the end though). it feels good to express that you care about someone. and even though i shouldn't have expected anything back, knowing that i got through (broke through maybe) is very satisfying and helpful to me. another thing is over now. but i need to go on day by day. period.
rodrigo

well, i ran in to carolyn today at school, and we talked for like 30 min... here is a basic run through of it

it started off by me saying "hey lady" as she walked by right in front of me. she stopped in her tracks, then finally looked over and said, "wow, you look like a terrorist."

then we started talking about how both of us were doing with school, work, life in general. me saying i wanted to get outta here, then her asking if i wanted to go to grad school (she is still bugging me about that) and then me saying life was really weird and strange... at that point, it looked like she was about to cry for some reason, she looked really sad and hurt. it didn't make any sense to me because i hadn't said anything upsetting. it kinda made me sad that i saw a dark sad side of her. in fact, as i was explaining this to kira, i started tearing up, and starting thinking that maybe there was hope in her still. and i know just by looking at her that something sad was going through her head, because i went out with her for two years, and i know how she works..

yeah, so to continue, after she looked kinda sad, we started walking to our cars together, and we continued talking, and i mentioned that i would like to have more friends/people to hang out with, and she said, very angrily, "well, you have nicole" and i replied "yeah, i figured you would be happy about that." we went into the whole situation with whats going on with her and nicole, how she feels nicole betrayed her trust, how she is unsure about where their friendship is heading, and i occasionally threw in things explaining that in the end, at least with me, she helped me out a lot by explaining things.. she came back by saying that she is glad i am doing better as a result, but she lost the trust she had with nicole, and she doesn't know if she can get it back and if they can be friends... she was very bitter about that whole situation especially about nicole mentioning that i was possibly carolyn's second choice because she couldn't have kyle... i explained that it didn't affect me and it wasn't heartless of nicole to do that because it made me realize that in the end, even if that was true (which i don't know and i really think carolyn has no idea either) it doesn't matter because i know that there was love there, and that the relationship just was. she is really stuck on that and i don't know why (probably brings up some kind of unhappy feelings). anyways, things continued. we talked about how she broke her ipod one day when she got mad at kyle (she through it up the stairs) and i asked how she got it replaced. "what a surprise (that she got mad at kyle)" i said, "considering that i know kyle pretty damn well." i was amazed considering that the guy knew she had thrown it, but i knew it was because she is a beautiful girl and as a result, she can get away with almost anything. i mentioned that she did it with me, and we kinda got on to the topic of our relationship a bit. i said that in the end it was good that we broke up, and mentioned that we were just too different and things wouldn't have worked out. then i said something great. "i am really glad that kyle broke us up." boy did she like that one. she started defending him, and i just cut her off and went right in to how she even said it herself. i don't know why she even cares if he did break us up (because clearly he tried and succeeded in putting a wedge between us with the religion thing) because it doesn't cheapen the relationship any, it doesn't hurt anyone.. maybe she just doesn't want to have that reminder, that her current "whatever he is" broke up her last relationship. i don't know. i can only speculate. but i found it funny that she persisted in defending him. whatever. i don't like the guy at all (don't think any hate is there any more, but definitely anger). but who the fuck cares what he did. it was for the best and for that i am glad. we kept on talking. i asked how school things were going for her (she is doing much better and is on top of school now) and also how work was. overall, things seemed to going well for carolyn (except for that weird moment of silence/sadness). at some point in the conversation we also talked about how she was upset that i wrote all these things about her (mostly our) personal lives on my journal. i apologized that she felt that way but told her that i wasn't going to change. she still insists that one of the people that reads my journals (one of you) walked up to her and explained the things that nicole told me to her... doesn't make any sense to me, but if one of you did, please tell me. i doubt that she is telling the truth about that, but hey, maybe she is (its hard to tell with her). i think things finally started tailing off, so i said that we should probably go because we have things to do. she said she needed to run home (a lie) and i needed to go home too. we hugged (which was nice since i haven't had any physical contact with her since that day at the gym like a month and a half ago) and then we went our separate ways (kinda). basically, we drove along side each other the whole way to lake forest (hmm, i wonder if by her house she means kyles :)) and that was that...
i am really glad we got to talk. (we would have been in contact anyways since she had sent me an email right before she ran into me, which explained most of what we talked about but was much more angry). we caught up on each others lives and it wasn't really awkward talking about our past (but we weren't stuck talking about our past either). overall a good chat. i am sad to see her go out of my life, and seeing her today made me realize that i have not let go nearly enough. i have not completely moved on. i still am too attached to what we were, and i have not completely internalized the fact that things are over and done between us. she is carolyn and i am rodrigo. there is no us and there probably never will be again. not even as friends or acquaintances. whats done is done, and i need more time to deal with that. she will never truly leave me, but there will come a time when i won't need to think about her, and even thinking about her will not affect me like it still does even now. i must truly let go... and i don't know how to get there, but i know that i can get there, and that i will get there. i am not trapped...
well, i love you carolyn and i will always care about you. you will have me with you forever, and i will have you with me. good luck. i wish you happiness
love, rodrigo

well, here goes
i met carolyn my sophomore year of high school (2000-2001), but at the end of the school year, we were put in an english project together and forced to actually spend some time together. at some point early on i started liking her (very early on, and i didn't really know her at all). i brought kyle over one day for a rehearsal of our project and he sat and watched...(carolyn :)) well, i left for germany right after school got out, and found myself calling carolyn all the time over there and getting her presents. i come back to find that carolyn and kyle like each other, and i am kinda devastated (not too bad though), and then my sisters talk me into telling carolyn my feelings (over the phone).

october 2001-august 2002

well, carolyn and kyle start going out in october 2001 i think, and we are basically a threesome, (but i am not getting any sexual benefits... :( :))) and basically i was in denial about them doing stuff because who would want to think of that. early on, things go ok, and we are all really good friends, and we hang out 24/7... i even lent them my house when my family was gone for a night.. but things definitely got worse, kyle started treating her like his property, my feelings started getting in the way, and i was off and on trying to break them up (more on then off as time progressed) for her sake as well as mine (i wanted to protect her because kyle was a fucking asshole to her, so controlling, treating her horribly)... things got worse and worse i guess, although not out in the open. at some time during this period (carolyn and i played a game of truth-or-dare (i was forced to kiss kyle's crotch (clothed) and i got to feel her up (yeah! and boy was it amazing, i couldn't stop... :). ) i don't know how i survived those months... finally things really started deteriorating between them, and carolyn went away for a few weeks to washington dc in the summer of 2002, and she finally decided that if kyle didn't break up with her soon, she would do it (i pushed for this a lot, of course). they broke up in august (some time toward the end of the month). right after kyle broke up with her he said, "you know, rodrigo likes you"... what a fucking weirdo.. anyways, i almost immediately made my intentions known, and asked what hers were. she said it was too soon, so i was rejected, then i asked some time later and was rejected again. i dealt with those rejections pretty well, although they did make me cry a bit.. but things were good. kyle tried to make a threesome happen between him, carolyn and nicole, so carolyn stopped being friends with kyle, and i chose carolyn over kyle. ( what a surprise) school started, things were good... then, i fucked up big time

september 2002

basically, i have no good explanation for what happened, and i can only think of one thing... one night when carolyn was sleeping over, i tried, and actually felt carolyn up while she was sleeping...... (not just over clothes either..., god, i was such an asshole for doing this) i don't know what came over me, this is not me, this was not me... why did i do it???
i don't know. the only thing i can come up with to this day was sexual frustration from 1.5 years of infatuation with carolyn and basically getting nothing. it does not excuse what i did, it does not make it better, but it is...

october 2002

to continue on, things got really weird between us for a few weeks, with carolyn asking me if i wanted to tell her something, her asking me to confess something... finally, a few weeks later, i did.. i cried, confessed, apologized.. i don't exactly remember the whole situation, (although i remember where we were, on pittsford right next to lake forest dr.) i kept crying, then she gave me a hug. in a small way, she was at least forgiving me ( i thought)... things got better, and we were friends again.

(NOTE: i don't remember the exact timeline/length of time between events, but they were very close together. my fuckup was in september, and the following happened in october)

sometime later: one evening, carolyn, kyle, mike and i were in front of dairy queen after carolyn got off work with her bosses car, and she pulled out her pepper spray on me. i flipped out, grabbed it, got mad, and finally drove away (i had also wanted to drive her bosses bmw). the next day, i drove her to work, said i wasn't and wouldn't be sorry for stealing her pepper spray, unless something had happened to her... (and then she set a trap)

things got weird again, i started bothering her to tell me what happened that night after i left... prodded, prodded, pushed, made her promise nothing bad happened, made her promise that she wasn't raped...., then one night, on the phone, she told me she was raped... i reacted badly (really badly, not with concern and care, but with some anger). i was shocked, appalled, that something like this had happened, could have been prevented had i not driven away, had i not taken away the pepper spray. i think i took the anger i had toward me out on her....
she told me that she had convinced the guys to not have vaginal sex with her, only anal, because she wanted to be a virgin (something like that at least)

well anyways, this made out friendship even worse... really really bad...
she became really cold toward me, never wanted me around, told other people what i did to her, and made other people dislike me... things got pretty bad at school, i basically had no friends

in december, right before i left to go to my sisters after christmas, carolyn told me that she really needed to think about things, and to think about whether we could be friends... i was devastated, i cried again, because i knew i had fucked up, and i begged her to keep me as a friend, because i was desperate, i really cared about her, i liked her, and i had no one else...

i came back, she said we could be friends, but things were still very strained... for a few months. things got bad enough so that i actually stopped liking her for a period, because i couldn't stand the way she was treating me (of course that ended)

march/april 2003

then around march or april, (i think april) i come back from my sisters again, and carolyn wants to try to get kyle on drugs (ecstasy) so she can get him to open up about his traumatic feelings.. emotions, anything.. i have connections with my wonderful sisters, so we strike a deal.. if i can get kyle on e, i get a blowjob (i think thats how it started). then prom is approaching, i ask her to go, and somehow, she agrees (i don't know why). then we strike another deal, if i lose 20 pounds before prom, i get anal sex (and like matt said (i have never heard of a girl more willing to give up her ass)), i agree of course... amazing what good motivation can do...

may 2003

a little while later, i chased carolyn around my house, trying to kiss her (come on, i liked her) and i finally succeeded (she told me later that that was the first moment she even considered me, cuz she liked the kiss). anyways, a little while after that, we were lying on the bed in my computer room and (the sequence of events is lost on me, i think it started with a kiss, or maybe she put my hand on her breast, i really don't know) but it got to the point where i was kinda freaked and wondering what the hell was going on (after all, she had treated me like shit for months and months).. she said something like, why don't you see how far you can go (god that was hot), so of course i took advantage... :) this went further (all over clothes, then some under) then i asked if i could go down her pants (i don't know, why don't you see) (WOW, such a tease and so completely arousing at the time) so i tried (and she faked pleasure just to tease me) then she got on top of me (again with almost all clothes on (her bra was off, tits hanging down toward my face... (again, so fucking hot) (wow i miss that). then, i think we were interrupted or something... anyways, it ended (for that day)
a week later, things started up again(blowjob maybe, lots of kissing, not sure of the chronology) (all i know is that it was amazing)
then the next weekend, i had lost the weight, so you can guess what happened.
we took some prom pictures that weekend at jcpenney

prom was the next weekend

we went to dinner at the villa roma in newport on saturday, may 31, 2003 at 6 pm. of course, being the guy (but especially because i felt so lucky to be with carolyn) i paid for dinner. then we went back to stephen's house to go swimming and take some pictures, then off to prom.. most of prom was pretty boring, but the chocolate covered strawberries were amazing...
at some point toward the end of the evening, carolyn and i took a break from dancing and just stood around, close together.. i don't exactly remember when or how or why, but we started kissing (and it was so amazing, so beautiful and felt so right). anyways, right after our first kiss, or rather during, our good friend cody rogers looked over at us, and his jaw dropped. he stood there, mouth wide open and pointed. he just couldn't believe it (frankly neither could i but i was so happy), we just smiled (and i felt like i wasn't even there anymore, i just floated away). i will treasure that moment forever.
nicole, her date, stephen, his date, left kinda early, but carolyn and i stayed. we danced a bit more, then left at the end. drove home, met nicole, watched and fell asleep with nicole and carolyn in my bed to reservoir dogs...

what an amazing evening...

we started going out at that point. i met her dad for the first time at graduation. i was so happy, we were so happy.

her sister made her move out three weeks before school got out (relations were quite strained at the time, and she had to move in with her dad in costa mesa, without ever really knowing him). nicole and i helped her move out.

summer 2003

our first summer was really special (both sexually and especially because of the closeness). we lost our virginities to each other (not really special to me, the virginity thing in general, but it was special because of carolyn, she makes the past four years of my life special). we spent a lot of time in my dad's van, sleeping, doing other stuff.. (we got harassed by cops twice, and it was funny, because i was 17 and she was 18, so technically :)) we spent a lot of time with stephen and nicole... just wasting time (and stephen liked carolyn (it seems everyone close to carolyn liked her at some point). )
at one point, stephen even kissed carolyn (apparently to make a point, but i know its because he liked her :) i don't know why i didn't get angry, really punch him, do something.. nothing ever came out of it, and i just let it go for some reason...
as september approached, things started changing a bit, because i was going away to uc santa cruz for the school year.. but things worked out

september - november 2003

carolyn drove up with me and my parents. we spent the last night together, just cuddling and holding each other close in my new dorm bed (my parents stayed at a hotel) then she was gone the next morning. so strange to see her go. things were pretty hard on her because i was in a dorm, with a lot of people, my cousin jeff close by, and she was living at home, with a dad she didn't really know,and not a lot of friends, and i was having a good time. i got to see her every month though, because we arranged a way to see each other. i always flew down.. those times were special, because she would pick me up at the airport, and we would spend a weekend together.
i came back home for winter break, and we went to mexico after christmas, we had a great time there, and great memories, and great pictures
Mexico Pictures
i went back up to school, and came down for valentine's day ( sent her some imported french chocolates), then i came down right before our anniversary and gave her a white gold ring with a pink sapphire on it (quite beautiful actually, and she loved it). finally came back home for good after deciding to move back home to be with carolyn, save some money by living at home, and transferring to uci by way of saddleback and ivc... worked out in the end

going to end the story here for now. i will continue with the second year of our relationship later..

hope i explained things well enough, with the right amount of detail :)
thanks for reading (and thanks for the love and friendship, carolyn)
love for you all and love for carolyn
rodie

i forgot to write something.. in fact it was the reason i wanted to write tonight.
i was talking to my parents about carolyn, and i showed them the before and after pictures of carolyn. then my dad made a comment that really bothered me. he said that i just needed to forget her and to get rid of those pictures and things like that. i just told him that he was wrong, and that was not what i needed.
basically, i feel that i need to treasure the love that i had in my life, but not let it control me. that is how i feel, and that is how i am. my love for carolyn will always be there, it will last forever. and so will my memories of the beautiful, wonderful times that we had. i cherish every moment, but i don't let it hold me back. i have moved so far... but i never want to and i don't feel the need to forget. i feel that if i forget, i will not have truly learned from this experience. i think that to have loved and lost is so important, but to have loved and lost, and then forgotten... i think that is tragic.. i will never forget this love undying, it means too much, and i think that if i did forget, i would be betraying not only myself, but carolyn as well. sometimes i think that my love may be a beacon of hope for her. this is just my feeling, and i have no idea of its truth. but, this feeling does not hold me back. this will not inhibit future love... because nothing can stop that.
feeling loving and caring
rodie

i haven't posted in a while because, well, i haven't felt the need. but now i guess i want to say some stuff.
so, on friday afternoon, nicole calls me and starts interrogating me about whether i had spoken to carolyn... apparently she found out about the things nicole had been telling me regarding her relationship to kyle and so on... and she thought i had talked to her, or one of my friends had emailed her or something... of course nothing had happened on my side, and i was kinda stumped as to how she had learned this information, until we guessed that carolyn must have logged in to my email and read all of the personal emails i have stored there... i don't care at all that she has read those (i don't care what she knows about me), and i am not sure if she was able to log in to my journal and read the private journals, but again that doesn't matter either. i was kind of glad that she had read them, because i wanted her to know how i felt. of course, nicole wasn't too pleased because it definitely put her in a hard spot... carolyn had text messaged her saying that nicole had heartlessly told me things that might make me interpret things in the wrong way (and the whole time i was thinking, yeah, i guess i could have interpreted these things as good :(????) anyways so i explained to nicole that she did nothing wrong telling me these things, and i assumed that she told me because she felt i needed to know them to help me move on and to get some advice or something. it doesn't really matter why she told me, or that she told, but in the end, i grew and moved on because of those things... carolyn never told her to keep these things to herself, so no trust was broken there, just i think that carolyn felt vulnerable with me knowing these recent developments because deep down, she knows that what she is doing is wrong... i feel, and everyone agrees, that she is walking down a horrible path, and i personally think she is destroying her life. but hey, who knows.... as i have said before, i have no hopes or dreams for her future, because i think that everything is possibly lost. i have only wishes now, that she betters her life, figures herself out, moves on and realizes that she is so much better , has so much potential and is such a beautiful person...(inside and outside). i repeated myself over and over to nicole, and said that no matter what happened, things would be ok. if carolyn decided to not be friends over this, things would be all right. she didn't do anything wrong.
anyways, we both needed to go, and she felt a little better but was still really worried about talking to carolyn (understandably so).
later that night, i got two emails, asking me to call nicole so i could help her with something. anyways, she had talked to carolyn, and the only question she really had for nicole was this: why had nicole told me that i may have been carolyn's second choice? i mentioned this in my journal a while back, and i went over this before. when nicole said that, i thought about it a bit, and it did make some sense, specifically referring to the comment kyle had made that "she had liked him ever since they broke up." after thinking about it, i didn't care even if that was true, because i know she loved me, i loved her, and we had great times.. that is all that matters. nicole said that she was thinking along similar lines, and that was why she mentioned it. other than that, apparently carolyn apparently didn't have any problems (other than the fact that nicole and i are talking and becoming friends, i guess just a minor detail :)). life goes on now. carolyn said she would talk to nicole later, and the conversation ended...
carolyn did say someone i know emailed her this stuff, but that makes no sense, because no one i know, except for monica and pati have her email, and they have no motive for it, so i suspect a lie... because no one i know who can read personal entries has any kind of contact or motive...
nicole and i talked for 3.5 hours on friday, with varying topics (mostly life, love, closeness, lies, betrayal...) always coming back somehow to carolyn (circular conversations)... it was really nice, and reminded of conversations carolyn and i had had when she was going out with kyle, and we would be on the phone for hours at a time...
i am really glad to be friends with nicole. she is amazing, wonderful, nice, smart... a truly great friend.
well, i gotta go for now, have to write up a short commentary on a book chapter i am reading, talk soon
rodie

well, i got by from our quarterly store meeting, but this time, since we have a new store manager, and she is also the manager of south coast, we had to bring our whole group over there for all the "fun". anyways, we have lots of pizza, yumminess, chatting for a while, then boring boring stuff. we're changing around a lot of shit at the store (positions, plans, ideas, apparently confidential?) and it takes quite a while... the good thing is i got a bunch of overtime today, (at least 3 hours, maybe more) so i got paid well today. plus, i got to talk to karen, (new sm) and she is going to let me apprentice to be a genius, which means that, as long as i do what i have been doing, learn my shit, i can become a mac genius if there is a position available. this is a huge plus because it means i don't have to sell shit anymore. starting in 2 weeks, i get removed from the regular schedule and just get to train, learn, help out the geniuses... all the good stuff, and i don't have to sell shit... like i said, a huge plus. if i get the jorb (intentional) i obviously get a raise (on top of the whopping $0.50 raise i just got because of (well) no reason at all (because it wasn't a merit increase, just convenience i guess, and i am not sure if i am still eligible for a merit increase after this little raise). anyways, i would get paid more, be doing less "work" and doing stuff that i like to do a lot more... hopefully it all works out, and i get a position. because in the end, i would be making about twice as much as i make now... how wonderful would that be...
well, i am tired, i have work at 9 am tomorrow, but a nice short shift (9-1) and then relaxation, maybe checking out my car, and then some fucking programming since my damn maze is due tuesday by 11pm
good night everyone. i am going to probably watch some anime (gankatsuou, a futuristic version of the count of monte cristo) and listen to some music (actually, kira recommended a podcast done by her friend francesca, which is really excellent, lots of really good music, 1.5 hour show.. (this show is super rad is the name) check it out http://podcast.ckdu.ca/

if you want to bring it into itunes, copy the feed address and paste it in as a subscribe to podcast in advanced menu in itunes (http://podcast.ckdu.ca/superrad.xml)
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listen and enjoy (may take a while to download, but well worth it)

good night everyone, i hope everything is going well for all
love,
rodie

ps i uploaded a new picture as my user icon here, taken with my new $50 nikon coolpix 4600 (it's of me in my spiffy new glasses looking all sexified)

if you would like your own full size copy, you can just email me and get in line :)

GOOD NIGHT

closeness, companionship, just plain having a girlfriend. i am pretty much over the whole carolyn thing (i mean that, even though carolyn still and always will have a special place in my heart, i have gotten over having her has a girlfriend, having her as a friend, having her close by). i guess i mean that i now need (i don't really know if i need) or more accurately want someone to be close to physically, emotionally, everything. i don't think i am ready for another relationship, ready to have another girlfriend in my life. i basically just need to get used to being along for a while, learn to live by myself, with myself. then, i will be ready for another relationship. but these rational thoughts that go through my head don't mean that i don't yearn for closeness, touching, kissing, sex... any kind of closeness would be awesome, but especially just holding, cuddling, touching....
i miss that a lot. i just miss the emotional and physical closeness i had with carolyn. i felt so whole and wonderful and loved being with her, doing everything with her. (even though i limited myself by spending so much time with her, it was truly wonderful for the time that we were together). but i have learned that i need to spread out my friends, spread out my love, and to have a companion doesn't mean that i need to limit my friends...
like i have written before, i especially notice my being alone while i lie in bed at night. but at least i have the body pillow that carolyn bought specifically for me to have at her house (hehe, i kept it). so i at least get to cuddle with a nice big pillow.
somehow, i need to meet new people, especially new girls, that are a lot more like me than carolyn ever was or ever could be... i need someone similar that i can spend time and share love and so much more with. basically, the hopes that i have for my life include: finding a lover, a companion to spend the rest of my life with, making a shitload of money really quick, and then getting the hell out of this world...

i am so disillusioned with everything. i find it difficult to care about the goings on in the world, because everything seems so fucked, so far lost... i don't even feel the need to participate any more, because i feel it is hopeless. so basically, the money making issue is extremely important. without money, you can't do much in the world. so if i had a good sum, i could leave, buy some land somewhere, and live my life with family, friends, people that i love and care about... that is my ideal world... i don't have the energy or the desire to involve myself with a world that is so lost and gone...

well, i need to get programming... i have to create a program that generates a solves random mazes.. fun, huh
well, bye bye everyone.
love,
rodie

well, yesterday was interesting... i got some free tickets to see queens of the stone age on the jimmy kimmel live show (some tv show that airs on abc every weeknight at 12:05 am). anyways, i had 4 tickets, so i arranged for some people to go (stephen, his friend andre, and my friend from work, jeff). we left lake forest at 3:45 to pick up jeff in whittier, and it took us 1.5 hours just to get him, and we had a strict deadline of 6:15. anyways, we made it and were in line, where this big (i mean big) black guy with a huge polka-dot hat was rapping to peoples names for money... i'm sure he makes more money than i do in a regular day. anyways, we finally got inside, sat down, and this really big annoying bald guy was the crowd-warmer-upper... and he explained all the stuff we could and couldn't do. then, we walked around, pointing out how beautiful an audience we were and he proceeded to pinch jeff's cheeks, and hit on him repeatedly. after that, jimmy kimmel came out, and.. well, he said, "boy do we have a lot of facial hair in the audience today..." and then he started talking about lion boy, and how (if you haven't picked it up yet, he was talking to and about me) if you turned my head upside down, it would look the same, because i have enough hair distributed on the top and bottom of my head.. anyways, then the stupid crowd-warmer-upper guy shoved a mic in my face and i had a short, stunted conversation with jimmy...

finally, the show started, and it was pretty funny for the first 20 minutes, then the stupid guest people came out and were interviewed. finally, we went outside at about 9 and got to see qotsa. i was disappointed in the show, although it was great to finally see queens, it seemed like josh homme was not in a very good mood because he wasn't able to control exactly what was going on with the performance. he had to wait for all the cues and different things. they played a 4 song set, including "burn the witch", "little sister", (some new song), "go with the flow"... after that we left. ( and during this whole time, it was slowly raining ash from the wildfires in the area, and it was quite smoky and getting a bit hard to breathe). then we decided we were hungry, so we went to a place called pink's (highly recommended by jeff since he grew up in la) and we ate some extremely greasy but delicious american food (i had a pastrami burrito dog, which included 2 hot dogs, chili, pastrami, cheese, onions, wrapped in a big tortilla, yummmm)...really yummy food and really filling...

anyways after that, we headed home... an evening well spent and it didn't cost anything for the show, and like $6 for the food..

if anyone wants to watch the show for some reason, it is on tonight at 12:05 am on abc... who knows, you may see me on tv :)

i may see queens on saturday night at the nin show at the hollywood bowl. there are still tickets available, and stephen has some pretty decent tickets so i can sneak up into his section during the show... well, we shall see about that. right now i am waiting for my 12:30 class (a damn programming class). then i am going over to stephens to watch the end of kagemusha (an pretty good kurosawa film (one of his few in color)). i guess i will write something else later.

what has been nice is that these past two days, i have had really good conversations with stephen about life and relationships and especially my relationship with carolyn, and the end of that relationship and the current situation for me and for carolyn...

i want her to be happy and thrive on her own. i know that she wasn't doing very well in school last year, and that she was on academic probation at some point. hopefully she figures out her school stuff and doesn't get behind in all of the shit she has to do for work and school and pharmacy school.. in fact, i really don't know if she can even make it into a pharmacy school if she continues down the path she was on toward the end off last year (not going to class ever, missing a final, taking an incomplete, basically doing pretty damn bad in school). and if she has had any other problems in her life (anything like i have had for instance) i can see it all dragging her down. i know she can figure shit out, and i know that she is really smart and extremely capable of doing the things she sets her mind to, but i am, i guess concerned that she will totally lose direction and not get to where she would like in life. of course, all of what i am writing is just speculation, because i have no idea where carolyn is in life anymore. but i can only guess what has been happening in her life since her and i went on our separate ways...

anyways, like i said before, i don't hope anything for carolyn, because hoping does no one any good. i wish her luck in life, and that is all i can do. if she hopes to succeeds, and follows through with plans that she has had and keeps of with life and doesn't move backwards or stay in the same place, then she can achieve anything.

well, i am done writing.

i will end this with something i will have with me forever: love for carolyn